Note: This brief tutorial on the blues was supposedly written by my colleague Sterling Johnson in 2000. He may have stolen it though. I have nothing to verify or dispute the source, but it has instructional value in any case.
“Da Blues”
Woke up this mornin’
Feeling low down
Said, woke up this morning
Feeling low down
Soon as I get to Memphis
Gonna shoot the mother down
1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning.”
2. “I got a good woman,” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line, like “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes…..like “I got a good woman – with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher – and she weigh 500 pound.”
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch. Ain’t no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevy’s, Cadillac’s and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMW’s or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state -sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You can’t have the Blues in any places that don’t get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiin’ is not the Blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chompin’ on it is.
9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues: Highway; Jailhouse; Empty Bed; Bottom of a whiskey glass.
11. Bad places for the Blues: Ashrams; gallery openings; Ivy League institutions; golf courses.
12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes if: You’re older than dirt; You’re blind; You shot a man in Memphis; You can’t be satisfied. No, if: You have all your teeth; You were once blind but now can see; The man in Memphis lived; You have a retirement plan or trust fund.
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: wine; whiskey or bourbon; muddy water; black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: mixed drinks; kosher wine; Snapple; sparkling water.
16. If it occurs in a cheap motel or shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women: Sadie; Big Mama; Bessie; Fat River Dumpling.
18. Some Blues names for men: Joe; Willie; Little Willie; Big Willie.
19. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn and Rainbow can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Make your own Blues name (starter kit): Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.); First name (see above) plus name of a fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.); Last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.); For example; Blind Lime Jefferson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (well maybe not “Kiwi”)
21. I don’t care how tragic your life; you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues. You best destroy it. Try fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don’t care.